Being a coach’s wife is tough. Yes, it’s insignificant to those who are living without their loved ones due to active service and other reasons, but the feelings of loneliness, isolation and being deprioritized are very real and need to be talked about.
My Husband Is a Coach and I Hate It. Being a coach’s wife can seem relentlessly isolating and incredibly lonely. But through establishing clear, honest communication and working together to discover new strategies to achieve balance, you may learn to love the sport and become closer to your husband than ever before.
My aim throughout this post is not to simply vent and “get some things off my chest.” Unfortunately, my negative vibes and your negative vibes don’t make a right here. No, I want to help people in the same situation as me to find hope, resilience and comfort in their position as a coach’s wife. This is not easy to do and you’ve got to want it, I can’t force you. But I have found peace and happiness even during the basketball season and I know you can too.
I’ve generated this post from my thoughts and feelings picked up during one of my husbands coaching seasons. I’ve then provided action steps that you can try right now, if feeling the same way. Still a work in progress in some areas, these ideas and actions have allowed me to learn to love the game, embrace the challenges of being a coach’s wife and still share special moments with my husband, despite our time apart.
I Haven’t Felt like a Priority
Do you feel like you have been put on the back burner?
Do you feel like your issues and your personal struggles are disregarded and not heard?
Does he go and book events involving the team without talking to you first?
Is he constantly on his phone talking to assistant coaches, the video guy, players in the team and club managers when home alone with him?
I get it. And it hurts.
You feel like you previously mattered, but now you don’t. He has found a new shiny thing to play with while you sit, gathering dust.
Okay, I’m over exaggerating on that last point, but you get the idea.
When you got married he may or may not have been involved in the sport. My husband was living and breathing basketball before I signed on the dotted line and put on the ring so I had a pretty good idea what I was in for. But this situation may have been different for you. Sports coaching may be a new passion for him and you’re trying to find out where you sit.
Regardless of the situation, we have to live in the now. We have to make a choice to stick it out, trying different methods to reprioritize ourselves, because you have more to give than home-cooked meals and washing the kid’s uniforms on demand.
We joke in our house that men can only do one thing at a time and he admits it. He cannot be thinking about basketball AND about me at the same time. It makes me mad because it’s simple for me, but I know a number of males who struggle with this.
Coaches Wife/Partner Action Steps:
- Talk.
In a moment of downtime, away from the game, talk to him. Be calm and try not to raise your voice. I know people say communication is everything in a cheesy kind of way, but it really is. He will likely NEVER know how you feel if you don’t tell him honestly. My husband does not pick up on the social cues as quickly as I do, so simply ignoring him and saying everything is “fine” is not helping anyone. Talk about how you feel and ways you can both improve – nobody is perfect, including you.
“Don’t beat around the bush and tell me how you feel. I can’t fix it if I dont know”
My Husband
- No phones in the bedroom.
Make a pact together to not bring your phones into the bedroom at night. Be strict and call each other out if old habits start to creep back in. This will not only help you sleep better, but it’s brilliant for intimacy. (source)
- Organize a regular date night.
I know it may seem tedious and “we don’t need to schedule this in” but entertain me and do it. If this is once a week, once every two weeks or even once a month, make it happen and do not change the date. Organize a babysitter, get dressed up and spoil each other. A home cooked meal, free form phones, with music and candles works well too!
- He must run any upcoming (planned or unplanned) events by you
If he is planning a “cutting film night,” future tournament, extra practice, team bonding night, etc., you need to know about it before anybody else. I don’t say this as a chance for you to say no, putting your foot down, but more a chance for you to both plan and be aware of what’s coming up. Hearing about an upcoming event from somebody else is awkward for both parties.
I’m Lonely
I like my own company, I really do. I don’t need my husband with me every second of the day to feel comfort and love. But for some of you, it’s different and that’s okay.
But the feelings of loneliness can creep up on you. Even the strongest of people feel alone and isolated if it goes on for long enough.
Having to attend every family event as a single parent, needing to cook and wash up every meal on your own, looking after the kids yourself almost every night and completing all the chores without any help can be isolating.
I have heard women call themselves a “coaches widow”, particularly during the season and I can see why. Your best friend and partner in crime seems to be at the stadium for more hours than when he’s at home with you.
It seems like the balance is nonexistent. And what makes it worse is the more successful he is, the more involved and time-sucking his role becomes. But what can we do?
Coaches Wife/Partner Action Steps:
- Connect with fellow coaches wives
Stop wishing for things that are just not going to happen, during the season anyway. Brunch on game day, seeing a movie premiere on a practice night and going on vacation during the season…I know these ideas sound amazingly lovely, but doing them with him is not going to happen. But can you connect with other coaches’ wives and make both your social lives more exciting? Even if you don’t know each other well, you are connecting on a level other’s can’t and this is pretty powerful. Pick up the phone, what have you got to lose?
- Get busy
While watching Netflix and having baths are lovely for a few nights, it’s not sustainable in silencing the feelings of loneliness. Can you volunteer, start a vegetable garden, join a book club, start a cooking YouTube channel or get involved in a local yoga studio? Distract your thoughts with things you love. You may not have found your calling or passion so keep your keys open. It’s amazing what you could find when you’re open to discovering new things.
“fill your own bucket“
(source)
- Stop wishing he is going to quit
If you really thought about it, would he be happier if he wasn’t coaching sports anymore? My husband took a year off from coaching and at about the 8th-month mark he said to me he felt lost and really missed the game and the kids. Your passion might be cooking, knitting running, eating and reading, so what kind of person would you be without these things? Sport and your husband is a package deal. Yes, balance is attainable, but quitting is likely not going to solve the problem.
- Has he considered co-coaching (assistant coaching)?
Now, if things are pretty dire and you’re feeling totally rejected, this conversation could be worth having. Even if he remains as head coach, the fact you have had this conversation sends a clear message you need him around more than he currently is.
When You Are Here, You Are Not Really Here
Do you feel when your husband is home the body is physically there, but their mind is somewhere else?
I’m sure we all have the tendency to drift off from time to time, getting so caught in our own thoughts we totally forget about where we are and who we are talking to. Even if you love that person more than anything in the world…
But it seems as a coach’s wife we are just waiting for it. We know from previous experience that he has done this before, so we are poised and ready to be ignored again. This make us even more frustrated, mad, upset and fed up even within minutes of them getting home… and that sucks.
It doesn’t feel great to finally have your husband home, sharing a meal with his family to only have him disengaged, not asking questions and looking out the window blankly. So what can we do?
Coaches Wife/Partner Action Steps:
- Talk.
I know I am harping on about this point but they probably don’t even realize they are acting this way and the hurt they are causing. He loves you and this behavior is not intentional. Be honest. Ask him to be more present when at home, particularly when the kids are awake as they miss their dad too. Later in the night encourage him to “spill the beans” and pick his brain on what’s bothering him.
- Talk to them about listening to your day.
This sounds petty but stick with me here. This may seem selfish, but I think it’s about balance and a sign of a healthy relationship. Tell them you have your own personal issues and you need to talk to them and want their opinion. Yes, the team may be going through some “stuff” but so are you and you have the right to be heard, without distractions. I remember explaining this to my husband when he appeared to have “tuned out” when I was telling him about my day and the impact was phenomenal and still is to this day.
- Can they designate set nights (or hours) to cut film, not every night?
Talk to him about having at least one “free night” to just sit and watch a TV show with you, read the kids a book at night and even help you washing up. Make it clear you support them cutting film and growing as a coach, but you deserve at least one night of balance and “us time”.
- Ask him about the team.
Address the elephant in the room. Don’t come between him and the sport and instead ask questions, learn about the rules and try to understand the game, even if you start with the marching band and colors of the uniforms…Show an interest in his “job”, or should I say his passion, and he will start showing an interest in yours.
- Explain to your kids about dad’s position as coach
Don’t assume that “dad’s at practice” will be enough to let your kids sleep at night. They miss their dad too, so it’s important to explain that he’s doing more than coaching. He’s a role model, helping other kids, making a huge difference in their lives. This can make you feel at ease too.
- Invite them to use the car ride home wisely.
Instead of listening to blurring music or calling somebody on the way home, use the ride home to think. If they need to record their own voice and listen back later there are great apps for that. This could mean that when they walk in the door, they are excited to see you and the kids and their thoughts are documented and not lost.
I Am Not Your “Team Mom” or “Team Parent”
I know this sounds a little nasty but as a coach’s wife, I want to be more than a team parent.
I want to be the person they confide in, weighing up difficult coaching situations and talking through what’s bothering them.
But often we are asked to wash the uniforms and provide the team snacks while they confide in the assistant coaches instead of me.
Don’t get me wrong. I am happy to help wash the uniforms and help out where I can but I have more skills than just washing clothes.
Coaches Wife/Partner Action Steps:
- Help him organize a team parent
As the wife of a coach, you know the things that need doing often before he does, putting you in a powerful position to help appoint a team parent. You can help him sift through possible organized, respectful, potential options whilst also helping draft a letter to these parents about their responsibilities.
- Be interested.
This follows on from the previous action step. If you see something is bugging him, ask. If he told you about something last week regarding the team, ask how it’s going and what the outcome was. Stay engaged in what’s happening by simply listening without being too opinionated. This may help involve you in his life, supporting him as a coach.
We Don’t Care About the Money Either, But…
Most coaches, particularly at the youth level, are either volunteers or they make very little money for the huge time commitment necessary to fulfil the role.
And for the most part, we, the coach’s wives are okay with it.
You are happy doing what you love and it’s obvious. Plus it’s likely you have a “second job”, that brings income to support the family.
But all households need a certain amount of money to survive and if that’s starting to dry up, changes need to be made.
Coaches Wife/Partner Action Steps:
- Assess your finances and work out a budget together
It may seem like the last thing you want to do, particularly if you already rarely see each other, but it’s vital to keep your family afloat. If things are tight, cutting down on coaching to do more hours at your paid job or even getting a second job may be necessary.
- Ask the club about acquiring a wage (or even coupons for gas!)
Without going into your family’s financial situation, is it an option to approach the club asking to be financially reimbursed, even in a small way? Your husband probably doesn’t want to quit as this is his passion and he loves it, so this could be a way of keeping him involved.
I don’t like “X” sport
Does your husband like all your hobbies and interests? Probably not.
But I know what you’re thinking… “I’m not asking him to talk about and watch my hobby every night of the week.”
And I totally get that. But my advice here is plain and simple – learn to love it and or least like it, don’t just tolerate it.
Coaches Wife Action Steps:
- Grow to enjoy (or even love) the game
My sister was with a guy for years that was obsessed with football. He wouldn’t stop talking about it, even to me, so I wonder how it felt for her? Anyway, the thing is, she doesn’t have one sporty bone in her body. She had to learn to at least like football, learn the rules and embrace the atmosphere to support him and his passion. And I suggest the same for you. It will stop you becoming bitter and resenting the game.
- Remember most sports are seasonal
Bring on the end of the basketball season! I know during the season it can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is. Talk about booking a mini-vacation with your husband and kids even if it’s just for the weekend. This doesn’t have to be expensive so don’t feel the need to go overboard with international flights somewhere and keep it low key if cost is an issue. I am all about balance and this is a great way to keep the seesaw level.
- Listen and watch – literally!
“Hey Em, come and watch this for a second”. Whenever I hear this, he generally wants to show me a something funny involving basketball. Instead of rolling my eyes and saying it’s “stupid,” I sit down and watch. Most of the time it is stupid but it’s a time for us to bond, laugh and just relax. If you’re asked to listen to something or watch something ridiculous, funny or even serious, entertain the idea and give them your time.
Summary: My Husband Is a Coach and I Hate It. But Is All Hope Lost?
Having a husband who coaches a sports team doesn’t have to feel like a death sentence. While yes, you will experience more time alone, use it as an opportunity to find your own calling.
When he is home and you find a quiet moment, be honest with how you feel, coming up with strategies together on how the situation can be improved. A healthy, happy marriage is about balance and equality between two people. Whilst your situation may be unique, this balance is not impossible to find if you communicate clearly and work together.
How do you maintain the love and passion in your marriage as a coach’s wife?
Cheers,
Emma
